Dealing with Grief and Loss

When we lose a loved one it can be the most heart wrenching feeling you’ll ever experience.  We experience intense sorrow and for many feel empty. Experiencing grief is so personal and very much an individual experience – every person will experience grief in their own way. There is no right or wrong way. I’ve experienced so much grief and loss in my life… one would think that it would get easier but no, it doesn’t.

Now how long is too long to grieve… well how long is a piece of string!  Everyone responds differently and initially most cannot see the forest for the trees… they cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s perfectly normal for grieving to last a few years, or even longer.  Some want to get back in the saddle and start living life again, others don’t.  It doesn’t matter, either way is ok and its okay not to be okay.

Grieving is more of an unconscious process and once the unconscious processes that you can keep the love and heal your heart… then the real grieving and healing process can start.

Now you probably are aware of the old 5 stages of grief spiel we’ve been told again and again during our life and here they are briefly:

Denial – feeling numb and trying to distance yourself as to what has happened to slow down the processing of such a painful experience. 

Anger – We can feel like we’ve been abandoned, deserted or just plain lost. We can direct our anger towards others and some even blame god. “if there was a god why would he allow this to happen”, We can even blame others too.  In time anger becomes easier to manage as we process our loss.

Bargaining – we can try and strike a deal with God or the universe that if you make them well again you’ll become a nun/missionary, or never do anything bad again.  We tend to start grieving before they have passed away.  Once your loved one has passed away then we can go into the blame mode, blaming ourselves for not doing this or that, or I could’ve done this or I should’ve done that…, why didn’t I do such and such… the list goes on.

Depression – this is when the intense sadness and that total empty feeling becomes profound and sometimes feels like we are on a never-ending loop.  We can withdraw, isolate ourselves and stop doing the things we used to enjoy. 

Acceptance – We may never be ok with the loss of a loved one.  This is about accepting the change and reality that our loved one is not physically with us.  I like to think of it as them leaving their earth suit however their spirit is still always with us in our heart.

Grief and Loss

Unbearable Invisible Pain

Now these are not all the emotions that we experience during the stages of grief.  There are so many others like shock, guilt, anxiety, panic, resentment, confusion, envy, fear, hopelessness… and so on. I remember when my dad died, I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me… I felt so empty, lost and alone. I was totally guttered.

The thing about the 5 stages of grief, and you may have found this out yourself, is that you don’t always have to experience each and every stage.  Grief is not a paint by numbers experience, it’s not like that – it’s messy and you cannot rationalise your way through grief.  You may experience only a few stages and then down the track or in a few hours experience them again and on top of all that experience so many other emotions that they just don’t tell you about with the 5 stages.

Dealing with someone experiencing grief.

In Western society we’ve never really learnt how to deal with death and grief.  The number one thing to remember is when someone is experiencing grief, there is nothing you can say to make them feel better - nothing!

However, I’m going to give you some tips as to what to say and what not to say when someone is grieving.

Say to them:  I’m here for you.  That’s all that you need to say… Sometimes it can feel really lonely and this message is saying ‘you’re not alone!

Don’t preach – avoid being Mr/Mrs fix it with words of encouragement – cheer up, it’s for the best, everything happens for a reason and definitely do not say ‘They had a good innings’.  Although most of these phrases have their place, it isn’t in the midst of grief.  It can do more harm than good in that moment.

Actions speak louder than words – As the song goes “You say it best when you say nothing at all”.  Those in the midst of grief are dealing not only with the loss but also dealing with the funeral arrangements etc.  During this time chores can be neglected so you can lighten the load by delivering a meal, do some of their laundry, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn.  There is so much you can do for them and these actions come straight from the heart.

Listen… just listen.  That is sometimes all that is needed. Let the grieving person do the talking and don’t fill in any awkward silences.  Just be there because being heard is enough to help with them begin to heal.

Continued connection with our loved one

With grief, our goal is to get to a place where we have an ongoing connection with our loved one, to have them in our hearts. As our heart heals we can remember all those wonderful memories that makes us smile and feel good. 

Let me tell you a story. I recently went to a funeral of a family friend who died pre-maturely and I went over to see her mother and father at the wake to pay my respects. I said nothing, I just gave them a hug and let them do the talking. Even under such tragic circumstances, her father proceeded to tell me a story about my dad, a very funny story and I laughed and smiled and so did he. I would imagine it was a welcome relief to have some laughter in the midst of such sorrow. I was so grateful for him sharing this story, blessing me with more wonderful memories. Personally, I probably wouldn’t have appreciated this as much 10 years ago as I was still red raw… I wasn’t ready but now, so very grateful to hear all those funny stories of my dad who was such a character and a gentleman. My loving connection is strong with my dad and that is where we need to get to but it takes time for our unconscious processes to work it all out.

Other forms loss causing grief

Did you know that besides losing a loved one, you can also experience grief from the loss of a significant thing (eg; divorce, financial loss, job loss, ageing, good health, dreams and goals. So, be mindful of when the people around you experience these situations as they will probably experience some grief.  If anything, be kind.. to others and to yourself.

I hope this has given you a little bit of insight and understanding into grief and loss.  Knowing how to respond can make a real difference to someone going through these difficult times.

If you would like some help, be it due to a loving one’s passing or a situational event, just give me a call or book in for a free 30 minute consultation.  We can have a chat about what you want and how I can help you.

We can conduct sessions face-to-face at my clinic or online in the comfort of your own home. Either way, hypnosis can help.

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Call me on 0448 210 910.